im about as happy as oj after his trial
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
