Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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