I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
