similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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