I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
