I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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