Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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