Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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