Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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