Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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