You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Hippo gnu deer
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Randomize
