i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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