I should be sponsored by Trojan
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm gonna fight the coyote
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
