I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
