i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Randomize
