I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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