my phone needs a breathalizer
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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