How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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