who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
