god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
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