I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
