i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
