If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
