i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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