now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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