I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
