Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
