I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
