I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
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