remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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