Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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