there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
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