I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
