found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
