TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Randomize
