Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Randomize
