I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
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I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
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It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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