Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
