I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
not ubering you a puppy
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
