I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
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