She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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