Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

ADVERTISEMENT

Sorry CPTslackass hasn't picked any favorites yet.

ADVERTISEMENT

(918): View more from Oklahoma

She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.

Fav 59 8484 1371
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.

Fav 44 2281 7315
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

Fav 37 10361 2113
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

Fav 12 6451 1610
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

Fav 6 6540 1145
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's only a little bit crosseyed.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.

Fav 3 1306 3058
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(505): View more from New Mexico

He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.

Fav 4 1018 628
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(613): View more from Ontario

Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?

Fav 2 792 918
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT

(201): View more from New Jersey

I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.

Fav 0 6 34
share tweet

ADVERTISEMENT