Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
