Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
