Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
