i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
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