She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
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