Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
