so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
