just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
