i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
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