I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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