I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
