Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You have to summon your inner elephant
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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