I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Randomize
