im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
