Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
