Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Randomize
