i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
Randomize
